切换到宽版
  • 40阅读
  • 1回复

TED:锻炼出坚强意志力的三个秘诀 [复制链接]

上一主题 下一主题
离线jenny
 

So I’d like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.


If you’ve ever lost someone you truly loved, ever had your heart broken, ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce, or being the victim of infidelity, please stand up.


If standing up isn’t accessible to you, you can put your hand up. Please stay standing and keep your hand up there.


If you’ve ever lived through a natural disaster, being bullied or made redundant, stand on up. If you’ve ever had a miscarriage, if you’ve ever had an abortion or struggled through infertility, please stand up.


Finally, if you or anyone you love has had to cope with mental illness, dementia, some form of physical impairment or cope with suicide, please stand up.


Look around you. Adversity doesn’t discriminate. If you are alive, you are going to have to, or you’ve already had to, deal with some tough times.


Thank you everyone. Take a seat.


I started studying resilience research a decade ago at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. It was an amazing time to be there because the professors who trained me had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.


As you can imagine, you don’t get a much more skeptical, discerning audience than the American drill sergeants returning from Afghanistan.


So for someone like me whose main quest in life is trying to work out how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia and bring them to people in their everyday lives, it was a pretty inspiring place to be.


I finished my studies in America and I returned home here to Christchurch to start my doctoral research. I’d just begun that study when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.


So I put my research on hold and I started working with my home community to help them through that terrible post-quake period. I worked with all sorts of organizations, from government departments to building companies and all sorts of community groups, teaching them the ways of thinking and acting that we know boost resilience.


I thought that was my calling, my moment to put all of that research to good use.


But sadly, I was wrong. For my own true test came in 2014 on Queen’s Birthday weekend. We and two other families had decided to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean. At the last minute, my beautiful twelve-year-old daughter Abi decided to hop in the car with her best friend Ella, also 12, and Ella’s mom Sally, a dear dear friend of mine.


On the way down, as they traveled through [requia] on Thompson’s Track, a car sped through a stop sign, crashing into them and killing all three of them instantly.


In the blink of an eye, I find myself flung to the other side of the equation, waking up with a whole new identity. Instead of being the resilience expert, suddenly I’m the grieving mother. Waking up not knowing who I am, trying to wrap my head around unsinkable news, my world smashed to smithereens.


Suddenly I’m the one on the end of all this expert advice and I can tell you I didn’t like what I heard one little bit.


In the days after Abi died, we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement, that we were likely to get divorced and we were at high risk of mental illness. Wow! I remember thinking thanks for that, I thought my life was already pretty shit.


Leaflets described the five stages of grief: anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance. Victim support arrived at our door and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief. I know the leaflets and the resources meant well. But in all of that advice, they left us feeling like victims, totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.


I didn’t need to be told how bad things were. Believe me I already knew things were truly terrible. What I needed most was hope. I needed a journey through all that anguish, pain and longing. Most of all, I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.


So I decided to turn my back on their advice and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment. I’d done the research. I had the tools. I wanted to know how useful they were beating me now in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.


Now I have to confess at this point: I didn’t really know that any of this was going to work. Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged as the hardest of losses to bear.


But I can tell you now five years on what I already knew from the research that you can rise up from adversity, that there are strategies that work, that it is utterly possible to make yourself think and act in certain ways that help you navigate tough times.


There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff. Today I’m just going to share with you three strategies. These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon and saved me in my darkest days.


There are three strategies that underpin all of my work and they’re pretty readily available to us all. Anyone can learn them. You can learn them right here today.


So number one: resilient people get that shit happens. They know that suffering is part of life. This doesn’t mean they actually welcome it in; they’re not actually delusional. Just that when the tough times come they seem to know that suffering is part of every human existence, and knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against when the tough times come.


Never once did I find myself thinking: why me? In fact, I remember thinking: why not me? Terrible things happen to you just like they do everybody else. That’s your life now. Time to sink or swim.


The real tragedy is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer. We seem to live in an age where we’re entitled to a perfect life where shiny happy photos on Instagram are the norm, when actually, as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk, the very opposite is true.


Number two: Resilient people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention. They have a habit of realistically appraising situations and typically managing to focus on the things that they can change and somehow accept the things that they can’t. This is a vital learnable skill for resilience.


As humans, we are really good at noticing threats and weaknesses. We are hard-wired for that negative. We’re really really good at noticing them. Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro, whereas positive emotions and experiences seem to bounce off like Teflon.


Being wired in this way is actually really good for us and served us well from an evolutionary perspective. So imagine for a moment I’m a cave woman and I’m coming out of a cave in the morning and there’s a saber-toothed tiger on one side and a beautiful rainbow on the other. It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.


The problem is we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded by threats all day long and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats as though they were a tiger. Our threat focus, our stress response is permanently dialed up.


Resilient people don’t diminish the negative but they also have worked out a way of tuning in to the good.


One day when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me, I distinctly remember thinking: “No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this. You have to survive. You’ve got so much to live for. Choose life, not death. Don’t lose what you have to what you have lost.” In psychology we call this benefit finding.


In my brave new world, it involved trying to find things to be grateful for. At least our girl hadn’t died of some terrible long drawn-out illness; she died suddenly instantly sparing us and her that pain.


We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends to help us through. And most of all we still had two beautiful boys to live for, who needed us now and deserve to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.


Being able to switch the focus of your attention to also include the good has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy. So in 2005, Marty Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment and they asked people — all they asked people to do was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.


What they found over the six months course of this study was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude, higher levels of happiness and less depression over the course of the six months study. When you’re going through grief you might need a reminder or you might need permission to feel grateful.


In our kitchen, we’ve got a bright pink neon poster that reminds us to accept the good. In the American army, they frame it a little bit differently. They talk to the army about hunting the good stuff. Find the language that works for you but whatever you do make an intentional, deliberate ongoing effort to tune in to what’s good in your world.


Number 3: Resilient people ask themselves: is what I’m doing helping or harming me? This is a question that’s used a lot in good therapy. And boy, is it powerful. This was my go-to question in the days after the girls died. I would ask it again and again: should I go to the trial and see the driver? Would that help me or would it harm me?


Well, that was a no-brainer for me. I chose to stay away. But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver at a later time. Late at night I’d find myself sometimes pouring over old photos of Abi getting more and more upset. I’d ask myself: “Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you? Put away the photos. Go to bed for the night. Be kind to yourself.”


This question can be applied to so many different contexts: is the way I’m thinking and acting helping or harming you in your bid to get that promotion, to pass that exam, to recover from a heart attack? So many different ways.


I write a lot about resilience and over the years this one strategy has prompted more positive feedback than any other. I get scores of letters and emails and things from all over the place of people saying what a huge impact it’s had on their lives.


Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments from Christmases past, or whether it is just trolling through social media, whether it is asking yourself whether you really need that extra glass of wine, asking yourself whether what you’re doing the way you’re thinking, the way you’re acting is helping or harming you, puts you back in the driver’s seat. It gives you some control over your decision-making.


Three strategies. Pretty simple. They’re readily available to us all anytime anywhere. They don’t require rocket science.


Resilience isn’t some fixed trait. It’s not elusive that some people have and some people don’t. It actually requires very ordinary processes — just the willingness to give them a go. I think we all have moments in life where our life path splits and the journey we thought we were going down takes some terrible — veers off to some terrible direction that we never anticipated and we certainly didn’t want.


It happened to me. It was awful beyond imagining. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you think there’s no way I’m coming back from this, I urge you to lean into these strategies and think again.


I won’t pretend that thinking this way is easy and it doesn’t remove all the pain. But if I’ve learned anything over the last five years, it is that thinking this way really does help. More than anything it has shown me that it is possible to live and grieve at the same time. And for that I will be always grateful.


Thank you.
离线jenny

只看该作者 沙发  发表于: 03-13
年轻时最应该明白的五件事
No 1 Build a foundation for health
锻炼强健的体魄
In your twenties it's easy to feel like you're invincible. That fast food and the five margaritas you downed the night before burn right off and you wake up the next morning feeling fine. This does not last. Start building healthy habits now before they catch up to you later. At 30, I'm still struggling with this one myself. Get in the habit of eating healthfully and exercising. Your body will thank you for years later.
20几岁的时候,你很容易觉得自己所向披靡。吃个快餐、晚上喝的五杯玛格丽塔酒酒劲还没过,第二天醒来还感觉良好。但这持续不了多久的。在身体垮掉之前赶紧养成健康的习惯。30岁的时候,我仍旧在和自己的健康作斗争。习惯吃得健康一点,做做运动。几年之后,你的身体状况会感激你现在所作出的努力。
No 2 Learn resiliency
学会振作
Your twenties is a time when most are relatively free of the responsibilities that will increase into your thirties and forties. This is a great time to experiment, fail, and bounce back. Learn how to ride out failure and persevere. Life is full of challenges. The twenties are a great time to toughen up and start teaching yourself how to be emotionally and mentally resilient enough to weather both the joys and hardships to come.
20几岁是你最自由的时候,到了30岁和40岁的时候,责任就相对增加很多了。这是去尝试、失败、重新振作的最佳时期。学着怎么从失败当中爬起来并且坚持下去。生活中充满挑战。无论幸福还是悲伤,20岁都是你吃苦和学会怎么从精神上和身体上振作的最佳时期。
No 3
Figure out your lifestyle
找到你真正想要的生活方式和工作。
I felt like a failure throughout my twenties because most of my university friends seemed happy in corporate jobs that made me miserable. I felt constant pressure to fit a specific mold. It's only within the past year that I've started to come to terms with who I really am and what really makes me happy. Life is not one-size-fits-all. Choose the career and lifestyle that are true to you, not a version of that you wish you were.
20几岁的时候我觉得自己很失败,因为我大多数的大学同学都有着幸福的工作,这让我觉得自己很可悲。为了一定的目标,我不断给自己施加压力。过去的一年里,我才真正开始思考我到底是个什么样的人,什么才能使我快乐。没有任何一种生活方式能适合所有人。选择你自己真正想要的生活方式跟职业,而不是像你所希望的那样。
No 4
Learn to live within your means
学会靠自己生活。
Learn smart financial management now. Learn how to live within a budget and maintain good credit. A mistake I once made, and one I still see a number of my peers making, is being a slave to lifestyle: taking cabs everywhere, buying expensive clothing, and having meals out constantly. This is stupid and reckless. I know people who were left completely adrift despite having made great salaries because they had no savings when their careers hit a rough patch. Their income was spent all on things that are frivolous. Luxuries are a wonderful thing only if you can truly afford them. Don't be a slave to funding a lifestyle that will not last. Learn to live modestly and save up, and then you will have earned the right to purchase yourself some treats, in moderation.
现在开始,学些理财知识吧。学着怎么在不打破预算的情况下生活,还保持良好的信用额度。我曾经犯过一个错误,现在我仍旧看见我的很多朋友在犯这个错误,那就是成为了生活方式的奴隶:无论去哪儿都打的,买昂贵的衣服,还有经常去外面吃饭。这是愚蠢和鲁莽的。我见过那种人,尽管工资很高,但是当他们的工作遇到困难的时候却因为没有积蓄而彻底绝望。他们把所有的收入都用在那些没有意义的东西上。只有当你真正能负担得起的时候,奢侈才是恰到好处。不要去选择一种不会持久的奴隶的生活方式。学会谦虚地生活还有节约,然后你就可以有节制地给自己来个奖励。
No 5
Choose your friends wisely
认真选择你的同伴。
Time is a precious commodity and you start to realize that increasingly into your mid to late twenties. Choose your friends wisely. Separate yourself from toxic or negative influences, those who would waste your time, and those who encourage you to focus on the unimportant. Seek out people who give you happiness, who inspire you, who support you, and nourish those relationships instead.
在你二十五六岁时候你会开始发现,时间是一件珍贵的商品。明智地选择你的朋友。不要让自己被有害的的或者消极的人所影响,那些人只会浪费你的时间,他们只会让你专注于那些不重要的事情上。看看谁能给你带来幸福,谁激励你,谁支持你,让你们之间的关系升温。
快速回复
限100 字节
如果您提交过一次失败了,可以用”恢复数据”来恢复帖子内容
 
上一个 下一个